Emo-tastic

I apologise for my stinking moods.

But it happens to the best of us. And I'm nowhere near the best right now so... yeah.

In time, I will pen more worthwhile things here. Maybe share the Tomorrow Girl stories I've been writing. But everytime I read the words "Tomorrow" and "Girl", I'm reminded of the song he never finished.

Tomorrow Girl, she comes
Like a thief in the night...

Youth is fleeting

To everyone who's ever told me, "You're young. You'll be alright.", I feel the need to say this.

I'll be 25 this July. By all accounts, I still have youth on my side. But youth, is relative to how long you're going to live. I never make assumptions about that. And that's certainly not me being bleak. Just conscious of my mortality. I think you're just as old as the next person.

Please don't trivialise my experiences by telling me that I'm young.

Emptiness

I had to sleep through some dreams that just killed my spirit.

And I'm left feeling rotten on the insides, unsure what the next step is.

At this point in time, I would like to rant.

It's not nice to lose a friend. Or to be cold towards a friend. Fact of the matter is, Brian made me smile. Lots. And I miss that.

What kills me is feeling played.

When things started becoming iffy, when some feeling was intensifying by the day from constant company, I felt a need to address it.

Answers unsatisfying, that weekend, I told myself to go cold turkey. And I told him what it's come down to. No more flirting. No affections. None of this routine like we're lovers deal. Knowing him, it was the only thing to do. Decide. Carry through with it. This is not the voice of bitterness, but he's one of those who won't make a conclusion as a safety guard. At least that's what's been proven. I said my hand in friendship would still be there. Nothing would change that.

Brian returns with certainty about what he wants (to explore the possibility of an us with the usual fears and insecurities) but he won't beg me to not throw away the chance at a deeper relationship. A conclusion was missing. And he left me to decide everything. His words: "I am willing."

And I thought, who am I kidding? Was I being silly, to begin with? And decide I did. I gave it another chance.

Of course, in the 2 weeks that followed, he drifted away. We had contact every day. And suddenly, that was slipping away. And his attitude, different.

Which resulted in the confrontation last week.

Brian was the closest friend I had these last months. We talked about everything. I listened to him work while I watched television. We played Scrabble. We laughed together. We got grumpy together.

When Sam passed on, my mind was thrown into a tizzy. I needed some comfort from my good friend. But of course, he has things to do. When I get him on the phone (after some mad calling and 2 voice messages), there wasn't much warmth there. And I broached the subject.

And that was it.

"I never lead you on."

"I never lied to you."

"I don't know."

By all accounts, I'm sorry to say that he did. And I'm sorry that he did.

I gave it a chance to revert to normal friendship, albeit a tad difficult (I admitted so myself). He reversed that decision (just because I decided doesn't mean he's unaccountable for it) and he encouraged everything. Only to throw it back to my face with brutal, cold words.

Did I honestly get everything wrong? I doubt it. I have pictures of norainiums, warm conversations, sweet memories... they can't all be false.

What happened? With the quick turn of events, I can only speculate that:
a) There's someone else.
b) He doesn't give a flying fuck.
c) It's a game and I've been played.

In our final conversation, he says he wanted to talk some more, when his thoughts are composed. Based on precedence, I felt that was just talk. And I left the ball in his court.

I have no desire to feel needy again.

One might be tempted to say good riddance to it all. But that doesn't stop me from feeling this huge loss.

It didn't have to be this way. But for someone to throw a friendship away by twisting words and intent, I guess I shouldn't waste any more time, concern or brain space on him yeah?

:(

Incense

Walking into my bedroom just moments ago, I caught a whiff of an ex-boyfriend's scent. Which is all very strange indeed.

No, it wasn't the stench of weasel funk. :)

Love Kylie

While reading this week's edition of Time, I learned that Kylie Minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I can't say I'm really a fan. (Though I contemplated attending her scheduled Showgirl concert here, which will mos def be cancelled.) But her tunes cheer me up. Because it's just like, so, totally, like, carefree.

And breast cancer anything makes me feel uncomfortable. I wrote a series of ads couple of months back for the "Wear The Pink Ribbon" campaign here. And it's the best and most satisfying work I've done this year. But no word on how that is going since the 2nd review weeks back.

If it breaks, I'll be sure to post it.

Meanwhile, much love Kylie. You can fight this.

Things that go bump in the night

It's always nice, to wake up in the middle of the night and discover that you have many, many more hours for sleep and resting.

What's not so nice is turning over to go back to sleep and managing to hit your elbow on the wall - slicing it open, albeit only slightly. Forcing your eyes to peel open and your body to get with it while fumbling around for an antiseptic and band aid.

And wide awake, your mind drifts to where it shouldn't.

Sigh.

Re: Birth, after talking to some friends about it, it seems like I'm the only. Pity.

Birth

Am I the only one who got the plot and loved this movie?

Blogging is fun

Then again, rambling about thisthathereandthere has always made me squee with glee.

En route to my director's secretary's office, I noticed that they were fumigating the office compound. At the lift lobby where I was waiting, smoke began to creep in through the cracks in the windows and walls. My favourite suit comes by and mock-chokes.

"Ack! I'm dying."

I smile. Too easy. "I always thought you were quite the pest."

Being super awesome as he is, he laughs along. Good sport, mate.

Decadent Living

Or "How I made $1,650 disappear, but didn't really".

I just returned from a trip to Thai Airways, where I cancelled my ticket for my New York birthday break.

"Are you sure you want to return this unused? Do you want to reroute it? Go somewhere else?"

"Nah. The trip's been cancelled. I'll make other plans for my birthday."

"You really sure about this? There's a USD100 charge for refund."

"Yup. USD100 against the USD1,000 I'll potentially spend there? Not that bad, I guess."

She smiles. "Good point. Hang on while I do the paperwork."

The nice lady gets the required documents.

"So how long does it take for a refund?"

"2 to 3..."

In my mind, I saw a flash of '2 to 3 weeks' which was pretty usual.

"... months", she finished.

I gulped. "Months? That's quite a while."

"Yes." she frowns. "Accounting this and that." Nice lady manages an apologetic smile.

And there you have it, my moolah tucked away for who knows how long. I get nervous at this point in time. Not because I'm feeling broke or whatnot. But what if it doesn't come through? Would I end up at the same counter pushing for my claim? How long before it becomes too long?

"Can I get your card or something?"

She settles my fears by promising she'll expedite the process and that all the details are on the receipt.

After handing the papers over, she smiles again. "So what will you do for your birthday?"

"I don't know. Grow older?"

She laughs. "Happy birthday in advance."

"Thanks." I smile.

Moral of the story: When you've just been punched in the guts, suddenly, everything else is kinder and brighter.

And thank you Tim, for the txt msg. :)

What typo?

My colleague comes to ask about the radio spots. "If you're too busy, Monday's fine." And I said, "I can give them to you tomorrow, as promised. Not a problem."

"Tomorrow? Today's not Friday?"

"No dear. You're looking much too forward into the future."

"I need it."

We all do.

Then she takes a look at the books on my table.

"Hey! There's a spelling error on your cover!"

And I'm like, hrmmm?

"That's not how you spell TWELFTH. No F."

Thus began 5 minutes of her trying to spell TWELFTH and me convincing her that it is TWELFTH.

"No fair! My teacher never corrected me! I've been spelling it wrong all my life!

Which was amusing. Then again, she's always been most comical.

And yes, Alex. She's a suit.

Hard as nails?

So when someone coined that term, they must have meant the nails you use to hang up pictures right? Not those thingies that sit on your fingers and toes? Because I managed to break my thumb nail again.

While putting my shoes on!

Train ride was uneventful except for getting a seat. And when I arrived at the office, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my desk wasn't filled with jobs. Just one or two simple briefs. But I have a couple of radio spots to write. Which are always fun.

Checked my emails and I got the worst reminder to date this week. Office cleaning ends tomorrow for inspection and my desk, as usual, is a mess of papers, books and knick-knacks. It didn't help that while I was away yesterday, someone decided to dump an assortment of plastic and paper rubbish (rejected layouts) on my table.

Anyone up for some cleaning? $5 an hour (you must finish in 2 hours). Plus 2 pints of beer. Call me.

New day, new beginnings

I had the most vivid dreams last night. I was reading The Twelfth Card at 6pm or so when I felt drained (could be the meds), and I fell asleep. The surrounding noises woke me up sporadically but I was able to get right back to sleep pretty much immediately.

So when I finally woke up to quiet and a dim light peering through the gap under my door, I thought, "Wow. That was pretty restful. It's morning already?" and wondered how much snooze time I could get.

Timecheck - 11:28pm. Drats.

After logging on to read the news, I went back to sleep and that was when the dreaming started. The contents are irrelevant. But being devoid of emotions this week, it was surprising to feel so much from my dreams. Many times, I woke up because of the intensity. And it made me feel right again, somewhat.

I have no more surprises. No apologies. No desire for explanation. No need for excuses. Nothing. I'm also through with reminiscence. How does one shut off just like that? They just do. It's survival of the most denial.

So bring on the smiles. I'm done with feeling bad.

Random kindness

At the doctor's earlier, just after the nurse went through the cocktail of drugs that they had for me, she smiled and said, "Get better soon, yah?"

Which took me by surprise really, seeing as how the bulk of the population can't even afford a smile.

There and then, I had to fight off all urges to hug her, cry and say, "I hope so too."

Thank you, I-never-got-your-name. I strayed into a shop shortly after my appointment at your clinic and bought me some colourful socks. And seriously, I do feel better. Even if it's just a wee bit.

Demise of the dearest

I'm home, running a high fever and untangling the knots in my stomach - the result of a series of unfortunate events.

Last Monday, the world lost one of its greatest boys. A precious soul called Sam, whose smiles, gestures and words touched many lives - mine included. He was 34, decades away from taking anything seriously, when a seriously foolish accident took his life away.

One of Sam's best gifts was encouraging me to tackle the unthinkable. Being horribly Asian, moving out was a ginormous step to take 4 years ago. You could say Sam was just being his usual devil self. But he made me see that incurring my mom's wrath was well worth the freedom to be.

"Don't be afraid, Rain. If you fuck up, suck it up and move on."

While talking to Rob last night, he remarked that on his way out for some supplies over the weekend, he almost found himself at the bad end of a collision. He escaped unscathed. But 2 days later and miles away, another friend wasn't as lucky.

The proximity of these events of course made me think about mortality much more than I already do. I was reminded of the fresh days of 2004 when I first received news of Emeline's passing, yet another automobile tragedy.

In mourning, I tortured myself with thinking about everything I should try to hang on to. Everything that's amiss. Everything I've been pushing off to next week to resolve.

Everything that is Brian.

And two hours ago, I lost everything that was precious about it - truth, meaning and sentiment. Although the loss was something I'd had a gut feel about for days, preparing for it was something altogether.

All I ever asked from anyone was for them to be honest. Be accountable for all their actions. Everything they say, do and think. But it's sad to note someone you'd given many chances for redemption, cop out and not be straight with you.

Very, very disappointing. Where do we go from here? What else is there possibly to talk through? Especially when you've crushed my faith.

Funny how things change so fast. "I'm sure" then, "I don't know" now. I guess it's best to know these things now than later on, when one's invested so much more. Romance is fleeting. Humans, fickle.

Of course, I could very well be to blame. I make full acknowledgement of the fact that I'm a silly cow.

Now excuse me while I remedy my fever, stomachache and mangled heart.

Ink

It appears that I might get a new tattoo next weekend or the one after. It's a doodle of mine, something I've a penchant to do. Boy standing next to tree. On my shoulder or wrist.

After much soul-searching, I figured that the reason why it keeps showing up on my journals is that it's a reminder to look to the times when things were simple and pure. And to hope that they'll be that way again sometime soon. Did I just make that up? I don't think so.

Pfft.

I'm both scared and excited. My 2nd tattoo was supposed to be a Miffy artwork but I decided to etch only personal artwork on my body. Like my Celtic shamrock knotwork here. (Photo taken 2 days after inking. This is what the healing process looks like. Scabby. Dry. Nerve-wrecking.)



The pain then... was a bizarre kinda lovely. Thinking about feeling it again is making my spine go tingly.

What?

I have a book lamp

My last $30 of fun money before pay day was spent getting a book lamp, for times when I want to read on cab rides, flights and to make geek nookie in the park.

I could have purchased a new top, new socks, lip gloss or get a nice massage. But it won't have been as satisfying as the power to read wherever, whenever.

For more cred and chickness, I got a pink one. Not only will I stand out with a book lamp, I'll stand out while doing so.

Can I get my badge to the International House of Dorkage now?



P.S. Book funds for the month went to Ben Elton's Past Mortem and Jeffrey Deaver's The Twelfth Card. Sound choices. The latter I know my brother, Audi, will appreciate when I'm done. And Ben Elton should assist in unwomanifying and quirkarising me.

I know...

all my attention and mental focus should go into everything relaxing and pleasant. Instead, my neuroses keep kicking in and I find myself constantly wanting to bang my head against the wall, the table, something sharp... something hard.

The last few days have been very trying indeed. I'm stroppy, moody and just plain bitchy. And have not had much success in trying to find a remedy.

When I turn on the television or read a book, and find a woman behaving in that nutty woman way, it annoys me. It annoys me even more when I find myself guilty of doing the same.

I just wish there were a way to switch off. Worry less. Think less. React less.

And I fear that all these niggling stressful thoughts will drive someone I care about deeply away. Or have already managed to do so.

I'm sorry.

I wish I were always fun, thoughtful, amusing, caring, respectful and sweet. But I'm human. I have my dark moments and this is just one of those times when I'm struggling with them.

*bangs head against wall*

I really need drawrwing lessons.

Breathtaking

Life is not measured
by the number of
breaths we take,
but by the number of
moments that take
our breath away.

I am an arteeeest...

And quite funny too. Something I found in my album... a wishing well. Geddit geddit geddit?

Fiesta

Hey C/Norain,

Do u gals by any chance know what the name of the festival in Spain that people start climbing on top of one another? If not it's ok. Thanks

C's reply:
sounds like sex ... believe they do it every day of the year ...

--

ieeeeee. hee.

Drarwing duck

Squiggly flowers seem to appear on my sketch pad lately. Next to my doodle staple: "boy standing next to tree and house". And today, the boy had 2 friends for company. What does it all mean?

That I need drarwing and penmanship lessons.

Crazy cat lady

flea: do you wanna try scrabble again, or are you kind of "meh" on that right now
me: sure
flea: you start this time
me: but i can't respond now
flea: whenever you feel like it
me: keedokee
flea: i'm playing a video game right now anyway
me: why dont you start?
flea: nah.
flea: lazy
me: ok
flea: :p
me: later then
me: :D
flea: actually, about to shut down my computer for the night
flea: just waiting for you to call, as it were.
flea: ;)
me: oh
me: hang on
me: riiiing ring
me: riiiiiing ring
flea: (breathless gasping)
flea: hello?
flea: ahem...
flea: i mean
me: (scream)
flea: (deep voice)
flea: hello?
me: luke
me: i am your father
flea: NOOOO
flea: NOOO IT'S NOT TRUE!!!!
me: would you like fries with that?
flea: I"LLL NEVERRRR JOOOIIIIIIINNNN YOUUUU!
flea: and yes, yes i would
me: ok
flea: mmm fries,,,
me: your order will be there in 45 mins
flea: heh
me: do or do not, there is no try
me: (click)
flea: what? there is no fry?
flea: she LIED! she LIED to us!
me: riiiiiing ring
me: riiiiiiiiiing ring
flea: uh...
flea: hello?
me: hello i am the woman from across the road
me: the cat lady
me: can you please shut up?
me: (click)
flea: well, yeah? well...
flea: uh./..
flea: SCREW YOU LADY! (SLAM)
flea: ha!
flea: that's what i shoulda said!

"I thought of you yesterday..."

bbd: when I was standing in the grocery aisle
me: really?
bbd: Do you know about these magazines
me: what were you looking at?
bbd: with aliens
bbd: and weird phenomenons
me: what's the title?
me: National Enquirer?
bbd: that people buy to amuse themselves
bbd: Yes!
bbd: there was a front page article
bbd: that said "Aliens are with us!"
bbd: and the subtitle was
bbd: "and they worship oprah as their god"
me: laffo
me: thanks