Demise of the dearest
I'm home, running a high fever and untangling the knots in my stomach - the result of a series of unfortunate events.
Last Monday, the world lost one of its greatest boys. A precious soul called Sam, whose smiles, gestures and words touched many lives - mine included. He was 34, decades away from taking anything seriously, when a seriously foolish accident took his life away.
One of Sam's best gifts was encouraging me to tackle the unthinkable. Being horribly Asian, moving out was a ginormous step to take 4 years ago. You could say Sam was just being his usual devil self. But he made me see that incurring my mom's wrath was well worth the freedom to be.
"Don't be afraid, Rain. If you fuck up, suck it up and move on."
While talking to Rob last night, he remarked that on his way out for some supplies over the weekend, he almost found himself at the bad end of a collision. He escaped unscathed. But 2 days later and miles away, another friend wasn't as lucky.
The proximity of these events of course made me think about mortality much more than I already do. I was reminded of the fresh days of 2004 when I first received news of Emeline's passing, yet another automobile tragedy.
In mourning, I tortured myself with thinking about everything I should try to hang on to. Everything that's amiss. Everything I've been pushing off to next week to resolve.
Everything that is Brian.
And two hours ago, I lost everything that was precious about it - truth, meaning and sentiment. Although the loss was something I'd had a gut feel about for days, preparing for it was something altogether.
All I ever asked from anyone was for them to be honest. Be accountable for all their actions. Everything they say, do and think. But it's sad to note someone you'd given many chances for redemption, cop out and not be straight with you.
Very, very disappointing. Where do we go from here? What else is there possibly to talk through? Especially when you've crushed my faith.
Funny how things change so fast. "I'm sure" then, "I don't know" now. I guess it's best to know these things now than later on, when one's invested so much more. Romance is fleeting. Humans, fickle.
Of course, I could very well be to blame. I make full acknowledgement of the fact that I'm a silly cow.
Now excuse me while I remedy my fever, stomachache and mangled heart.
Last Monday, the world lost one of its greatest boys. A precious soul called Sam, whose smiles, gestures and words touched many lives - mine included. He was 34, decades away from taking anything seriously, when a seriously foolish accident took his life away.
One of Sam's best gifts was encouraging me to tackle the unthinkable. Being horribly Asian, moving out was a ginormous step to take 4 years ago. You could say Sam was just being his usual devil self. But he made me see that incurring my mom's wrath was well worth the freedom to be.
"Don't be afraid, Rain. If you fuck up, suck it up and move on."
While talking to Rob last night, he remarked that on his way out for some supplies over the weekend, he almost found himself at the bad end of a collision. He escaped unscathed. But 2 days later and miles away, another friend wasn't as lucky.
The proximity of these events of course made me think about mortality much more than I already do. I was reminded of the fresh days of 2004 when I first received news of Emeline's passing, yet another automobile tragedy.
In mourning, I tortured myself with thinking about everything I should try to hang on to. Everything that's amiss. Everything I've been pushing off to next week to resolve.
Everything that is Brian.
And two hours ago, I lost everything that was precious about it - truth, meaning and sentiment. Although the loss was something I'd had a gut feel about for days, preparing for it was something altogether.
All I ever asked from anyone was for them to be honest. Be accountable for all their actions. Everything they say, do and think. But it's sad to note someone you'd given many chances for redemption, cop out and not be straight with you.
Very, very disappointing. Where do we go from here? What else is there possibly to talk through? Especially when you've crushed my faith.
Funny how things change so fast. "I'm sure" then, "I don't know" now. I guess it's best to know these things now than later on, when one's invested so much more. Romance is fleeting. Humans, fickle.
Of course, I could very well be to blame. I make full acknowledgement of the fact that I'm a silly cow.
Now excuse me while I remedy my fever, stomachache and mangled heart.
posted by tomorrowgirl at 12:49 PM
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