Emptiness

I had to sleep through some dreams that just killed my spirit.

And I'm left feeling rotten on the insides, unsure what the next step is.

At this point in time, I would like to rant.

It's not nice to lose a friend. Or to be cold towards a friend. Fact of the matter is, Brian made me smile. Lots. And I miss that.

What kills me is feeling played.

When things started becoming iffy, when some feeling was intensifying by the day from constant company, I felt a need to address it.

Answers unsatisfying, that weekend, I told myself to go cold turkey. And I told him what it's come down to. No more flirting. No affections. None of this routine like we're lovers deal. Knowing him, it was the only thing to do. Decide. Carry through with it. This is not the voice of bitterness, but he's one of those who won't make a conclusion as a safety guard. At least that's what's been proven. I said my hand in friendship would still be there. Nothing would change that.

Brian returns with certainty about what he wants (to explore the possibility of an us with the usual fears and insecurities) but he won't beg me to not throw away the chance at a deeper relationship. A conclusion was missing. And he left me to decide everything. His words: "I am willing."

And I thought, who am I kidding? Was I being silly, to begin with? And decide I did. I gave it another chance.

Of course, in the 2 weeks that followed, he drifted away. We had contact every day. And suddenly, that was slipping away. And his attitude, different.

Which resulted in the confrontation last week.

Brian was the closest friend I had these last months. We talked about everything. I listened to him work while I watched television. We played Scrabble. We laughed together. We got grumpy together.

When Sam passed on, my mind was thrown into a tizzy. I needed some comfort from my good friend. But of course, he has things to do. When I get him on the phone (after some mad calling and 2 voice messages), there wasn't much warmth there. And I broached the subject.

And that was it.

"I never lead you on."

"I never lied to you."

"I don't know."

By all accounts, I'm sorry to say that he did. And I'm sorry that he did.

I gave it a chance to revert to normal friendship, albeit a tad difficult (I admitted so myself). He reversed that decision (just because I decided doesn't mean he's unaccountable for it) and he encouraged everything. Only to throw it back to my face with brutal, cold words.

Did I honestly get everything wrong? I doubt it. I have pictures of norainiums, warm conversations, sweet memories... they can't all be false.

What happened? With the quick turn of events, I can only speculate that:
a) There's someone else.
b) He doesn't give a flying fuck.
c) It's a game and I've been played.

In our final conversation, he says he wanted to talk some more, when his thoughts are composed. Based on precedence, I felt that was just talk. And I left the ball in his court.

I have no desire to feel needy again.

One might be tempted to say good riddance to it all. But that doesn't stop me from feeling this huge loss.

It didn't have to be this way. But for someone to throw a friendship away by twisting words and intent, I guess I shouldn't waste any more time, concern or brain space on him yeah?

:(